I know I haven’t updated this blog in ages and I appreciate those of you who still listen to my shit and I listen to yours too I just can’t ever think if anything intelligent to say.
Anyway sorry but this post is just going to be me feeling sorry for myself. So stop reading if you’re not about that shit.
Possible TW for anxiety and dermotillomania.
I seriously don’t think I have ever felt this low in my life. We all have our down times but this time is crippling me - that’s the best way to describe it because I cannot do anything anymore, my concentration and attention span are non existent, and I just feel so sad all the time, I don’t want to interact with anybody, yet people seem to demand my attention, and when I trie to do anything physical or even move it feels like I’m carrying a ton of bricks I don’t really want to do anything, I don’t enjoy reading anymore because it involves too much mental effort (I used to fucking love reading) and even TV and films have to be really simple or have not much talking in them so that I am able to follow. Like don’t expect me to get into shows like game of thrones and breaking bad because I will lose interest pretty sharpish.
My short attention span has always been an issue and I had to take extra classes at school and stuff, but now it’s affecting my performance at work and I make stupid mistakes all the time, and on top of that I can’t multitask very well and I am expected to do so much and everyone seems to find it so easy. I got a verbal warning a couple of months back, and I know my boss was genuinely trying to help me improve rather than make me feel bad about myself but I cannot shake the paranoid feeling out of my head that he is tallying up all my screw ups and next it will be a written warning and then I’ll lose my job. Like this is meant to be the most basic admin work and I can’t even get that right, and I have no idea what I want to do or where to start. And mostly I’m just convinced I’m not good at anything.
And I can’t figure out if I started feeling depressed first and that led to the poor attention span and concentration or if my poor attention span and concentration led to me feeling more depressed. And that’s before I even get started on the ANXIETY. Again it’s crippling, it’s made me paranoid and convinced that everyone hates me. It’s made me analyse everything I say and think I must come across as an idiot or weird to people. It’s caused me to pick the skin around my thumbs, like obsessively to the point that I stop what I am doing just so I can pick at my skin. My thumbs look gross like I have literally gauged tiny chunks of flesh out of them (I’m sorry that’s fucking disgusting but I just need to emphasise what this is doing to me). And I have a whole separate issue with answering the phone. In our office the admin team answer the phone and if I am the only one available to answer I feel really on edge, and now even when the phone rings at home I feel uncomfortable.
At home no one gives me any privacy, which is bad enough because all I want to do is be on my own. My sister constantly demands my attention and then tries to make me feel like a bad person for trying to get one goddamn hour of time to myself. Like we are both adults now and I need my fucking space. What does she expect will happen when I move out? I have tried to cry and I don’t even have the energy to do that anymore. That’s saying something because I’ve always been a huge crier. I’ve gotten so much shit for it but it’s just my way of coping.
And yet my life is relatively normal. I don’t really have any problems, the problems are in my head and they are with me. I am literally the biggest problem in my life but I have no idea how to resolve it.